Our Story
After almost 41 years my loving husband Ken, passed away on 9/4/11, just five days before he would have turned 67, Too young to die. To me it was very unexpected, but I think he knew. He wasn't feeling well for a long time.
On July 29, 2011, I went to the Doctor for a biopsy. I admitted him to in the hospital that same day. He had never been to a hospital before, except to visit and that was very rare. While he was in the hospital my Dr called me to tell me I had uterine cancer. They were doing all kinds of testing on Ken. They found his liver to be in bad condition and failing. He needed a liver transplant. He also had a ulcer & the H Pylori bug in his stomach which they were trying to kill. He was not a drinker but he had worked with many chemicals that caused the liver damage. He was in the hospital a few days then came home but had to go back 3 days later, things were just not working. A few days later I went in the hospital for my surgery.
My Son, Daughter-in-law & Grandson had to stay with him while they were working on me. Ken really didn't want a transplant and I knew he couldn't cope with that way of life. He was a very strong man that had to keep busy and not just sit around or stay on the couch. He was getting worse even with all the medications. Hospice wanted him to go in for a "tune up" hoping to make him feel better and be more comfortable. I thought that would do the trick and he would be fine. But....he knew, he would never come home.
It is so very hard, we were married 40 yrs, and did everything together. We didn't have the perfect marriage but we did have our good times, loved each other very much and had a son together.
After he died I went to N.J. to visit family. I was still totally numb. After a while I was ready to come home, I was there 2 weeks. The day after I got home I got a dog. A shorkie named Dusty. I just didn't want to be all alone. He has been a big help to me, and a lot of extra work too. He needs me to take care of him, it gives me someone to talk to or yell at and I have a reason to get up in the morning. This is no picnic I tell ya but, I hope to get through it somehow.
What I have learned ......... Is to be thankful for what you have right now!
You don't know what you have until its gone or too late.
Joann_fla
You don't know what you have until its gone or too late.
Joann_fla
Married couples really need to join together in love and in faith. That faith needs to be so strong that it pulls you both together when difficult times start. Strong faith and being thankful is the strongest magnet that can save a marriage. Communicate with each other, smile, laugh discuss things, play, lightly tease in fun, compliment, care, compliment, and most of all love, love, love. Do things together within this love of yours. Never ever do anything to make your partner sad. Do everything to build up each other, everyday, with love and each day be thankful that you have been given this partner in marriage. Treat your partner with the greatest of respect and always be thankful for your marriage and it will thrive. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/994252
The Ugly Shoes
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
... Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her husband
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They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
... Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost her husband
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Thoughts About Grief
You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better,’ It just gets different.
Everyday grief puts on a new face.”Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there.Your weaknesses and inadequacies make themselves known to you again and again. You can't always count on other people, and you can't count on yourself. No human being can meet all your needs, especially your deepest needs.
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"Grief is love with no place to go."
"We are living in a broken world," states Barbara Johnson. "We see broken marriages, broken people, broken lives. There's never going to come a time when we've got it all together." She continues, "As you go through grief, as you center your focus on what is ahead of you as a Christian, that helps you to know that what you're going through isn't going to last. You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different. Yesterday is a canceled check, tomorrow is a promissory note, but today is cash. You've got today to serve the Lord."You are at a point where you need to decide whom you will lean on, trust, and put your hope in. Now is the time to search God's Word and hold on to this lifeline. God will meet you where you are, at your point of pain. Seek Him, talk to Him, and learn about Him. He is the only way out of despair.
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Keep photographs of your loved one near by. Do not listen to others who might tell you to take them down or hide them away. While photos may exacerbate your pain, there will come a time when they bring a smile, a gentle reminder of immense love. Focus on the love in your heart and let it grow bigger. Let it overshadow the the sense of loss. Both are true but you can give more energy to the love. Blow a kiss to your photographs and remind yourself that love, always, is stronger than death.
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Death is not always a peaceful departure, with kisses, and sweet good-byes , and "I love you"s as it portrayed in movies; especially the untimely death at early age, or as a result of an accident. Healing requires "some things to remember, some things to forget" . (Quoted from a Daily Strength member 4-29-2012)
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We are exhausted, beat-up, and sick. Because we have been in a battle of life and death, we tried everything we knew to keep them and get them well, we sacrificed everything, we prayed, we didn't eat, didn't sleep, worried ourselves sick that we would not do everything we could. But we were wrong. Wrung out, distraught, sick, we are left with no reward for all our efforts. He/she is gone. Everything we tried didn't work. It is a blow to our absolute inner core of our being. It's worse than being run over by a Mac truck, I believe. So, while others who have physical trauma that will heal are in rehab and getting better every day, we are left alone, at home, often with no one to talk with, have little or no strength left. But, somehow, in the very depths of "our hell" we see a glimmer of hope and a little of our health starting to return. Oh, how slow the progress is! But it is there, like the little tiny peak of the sun coming up on the horizon. The sun WILL come up every day, and we WILL get better, one tiny piece at a time. (Quoted from a Daily Strength member 4-28-2012)
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Grief has dropped a bomb in your life. You are shattered, blasted, blown apart and all but nearly destroyed. Amongst the shards, amongst the debris, you live. You don't know how. You can't see. You can do nothing but feel the pain that is within you and around you. You don't understand, you will never understand. You lay down amongst the rubble for you can do naught else and you cry, like you have... never cried in your life before and you think why me, why this?
And somehow without knowing how you uncurl yourself and brush yet more tears from your face and you walk. You begin to pick up a shard, a broken piece of your life here and a broken piece there. They don't fit together anymore, they can't. There is no going back to what once was. And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else. Your pieces have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you, the loving you and the wonderful you.
And somehow without knowing how you uncurl yourself and brush yet more tears from your face and you walk. You begin to pick up a shard, a broken piece of your life here and a broken piece there. They don't fit together anymore, they can't. There is no going back to what once was. And as each tiny fragment begins to shape itself anew, so do you. Your shape is a stranger to you now and to everyone else. Your pieces have become you. They speak of your strength, of your courage and they speak of you, the vulnerable you, the broken you, the loving you and the wonderful you.
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"To begin with, I went from raging misery to total numbness, which was just as well... When the drama was over and everyone went back to their lives, the grey mudflats of the future stretched endlessly ahead, and the real widowhood began. The death takes longer than you might think to sink in.." I think the "grey mudflats of the future" is a phrase every newly widowed person can identify with. The only thing I know to do is not dwell on those, but take each day as it comes and be thankful for what you have now, and the love you shared with your mate, and whatever else you consider a blessing. (Quoted from a grief article)
* Click green links to find out more information*
Stages of Grief
Timetable of Grief
The First Year of Grief
After the First Year..... Then what?
Does Grief Have a Timeline?
15 Things I Wish I''d Known About Grief
What it means to move on:
Moving on does not mean . . .
• you forget the person.
• you never feel the pain of your loss.
• you believe that life is fair.
Moving on does mean . . .
• you experience a lessening of the pain.
• you can treasure your best memories of the person who has died.
• you can realistically accept the different aspects of your loss.
• you can form new relationships, try new things.
Moving on also means . . .
• you grow in grace and in your walk with God.
• you accept your loss and forgive others.
• you understand that both joy and loss are a part of life.
• you believe that God is good, even when life isn't.
Loneliness & Boredom
from: The Widow's Cafe
Loneliness is another basic emotion that we must conquer. First of all, consider: "Why wouldn't I feel lonely? I just lost a companion that has been with me for X number of years." In the first days of our loss, lots of people call and express sympathy. Then again, we are so busy with notifying friends and taking care of the details of a death that we do not have time to feel lonely. Now, a couple of weeks have gone by, people have stopped calling, the relatives have gone home, and we are left in an empty house with an empty bed. One woman said, "When my husband was alive, I hated his snoring and made him go to the doctor to get cured. Now, I would give anything I have to get that snoring man back in bed with me." Yes, becoming a widow or widower makes us lonely. What can we do about it?
Keep busy. Fill your days with worthwhile stuff. Get involved in community affairs, volunteer to do charitable work, take a trip, associate with your family and friends, set goals and keep them.
Don't spend too much time day-dreaming, thinking of the past, or regurgitating the bad events of yesteryear. Fill your mind with worthwhile stuff and order your life to live for today, plan for the future, and forget the past. If your mind does take a stroll down memory lane, force it to remember those beautiful moments. Linger on lovely things; do not embrace those traumas that hurt you. Most bad things have already taken their pound of flesh; don't give them any more. Fill your mind with thoughts of happiness, contentment, good health, and bright hope.
Count your blessings, not your troubles. Instead of saying, "I miss him or her so much," say, "I had him or her for X number of years. Most of the time, it was heaven on earth--how lucky can I get." Again I find a religious response helpful; "My husband or wife is in heaven, where life is more beautiful than life on earth; when my time comes, I will go to the eternal world and meet him or her. Until that time, I will try to live my life as if I were already in the heavenly condition."
Create happiness for others. Laugh, sing, joke, encourage others, be positive. Make yourself a joy to be around because you are lifting the other people to a higher level. Involve yourself in the task of making other people happy and lo and behold you have made yourself happy, useful, and contented.
Keep busy. Fill your days with worthwhile stuff. Get involved in community affairs, volunteer to do charitable work, take a trip, associate with your family and friends, set goals and keep them.
Don't spend too much time day-dreaming, thinking of the past, or regurgitating the bad events of yesteryear. Fill your mind with worthwhile stuff and order your life to live for today, plan for the future, and forget the past. If your mind does take a stroll down memory lane, force it to remember those beautiful moments. Linger on lovely things; do not embrace those traumas that hurt you. Most bad things have already taken their pound of flesh; don't give them any more. Fill your mind with thoughts of happiness, contentment, good health, and bright hope.
Count your blessings, not your troubles. Instead of saying, "I miss him or her so much," say, "I had him or her for X number of years. Most of the time, it was heaven on earth--how lucky can I get." Again I find a religious response helpful; "My husband or wife is in heaven, where life is more beautiful than life on earth; when my time comes, I will go to the eternal world and meet him or her. Until that time, I will try to live my life as if I were already in the heavenly condition."
Create happiness for others. Laugh, sing, joke, encourage others, be positive. Make yourself a joy to be around because you are lifting the other people to a higher level. Involve yourself in the task of making other people happy and lo and behold you have made yourself happy, useful, and contented.
Books To Read
Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas For Rebuilding Your Life ~ Genevieve Davis Ginsburg
For Widows Only ~ Annie Estlund
When Your Soul Aches ~ Lois Mowday Rabey
Companion Through the Darkness ~ Stephanie Ericsson
I Will Not Be Broken ~ Jerry White
The Tender Scar: Life After the Death of a Spouse ~ Mabry, Richard
Chicken Soup for The Greiving Soul ~ Jack Canfoeld, Mark Victor Hansen & Amy Newmark
Seven Choices ~Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper
Reflections of a Grieving Spouse: The Unexpected Journey from Loss to Renewed Hope ~ H. Norman Wright's
Coping with Life After Your Mate Dies ~ Cushenbery, Donald C.
Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse ~Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susan J.
The Light That Never Dies: A Story of Hope in the Shadows of Grief ~ William HendricksA
Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss ~ Jerry Sittser
Finding Your Way Through Grief, A Guide for the First Year ~ Marty Tousley
Waking Up Alone, Grief & Healing ~ Julie K Cicero
How to go on Living When Someone you Love Dies, ~ Therese A Rando
Widows Wear Stilettos, A Practical & Emotional Guide for the young widow ~ Carole Brody Fleet
I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye ~ Brooke Noel & Pamela Blair
Healing After Loss by Martha W Hickman
Loving What Is, Four Questions that Can Change Your Life ~ Byron Katie
From One Widow to Another: Converstations on the New you ~ Miriam Neff
The Grief Club ~ Melody Beattie
A Widow's Story ~ Joyce Carol Oates
The Sisterhood of Widows ~ Mary Francis
Waking Up Alone, Grief & Healing ~ Julie K Cicero
How to go on Living When Someone you Love Dies, ~ Therese A Rando
Widows Wear Stilettos, A Practical & Emotional Guide for the young widow ~ Carole Brody Fleet
I Wasn't Ready to say Goodbye ~ Brooke Noel & Pamela Blair
Healing After Loss by Martha W Hickman
Loving What Is, Four Questions that Can Change Your Life ~ Byron Katie
From One Widow to Another: Converstations on the New you ~ Miriam Neff
The Grief Club ~ Melody Beattie
A Widow's Story ~ Joyce Carol Oates
The Sisterhood of Widows ~ Mary Francis
Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman (Meet the Author)
Traveling With George: An Out-of-This-World Experience ~ Betty Waldron Portenlanger
Where Do I Go from Here? - Neff, Miriam
From One Widow to Another - Neff, Miriam
From One Widow to Another - Neff, Miriam
Life Lessons Two experts on death & dying teach us about the mysteries of life & living.
by ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & Davis Kessler
by ~ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross & Davis Kessler
Grief Recovery (read here)
Message Boards & Blogs
Get Your Affairs in Order Before you DieJournaling for the Newly WidowedAfter Death ChecklistMake a Memory Box for you lost loved one
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Resources
A Season of Grief - Daily Emails ~ from grief share
Simple Sympathy ~ Words for, gifts, cards & more
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Poems and others things
Grieving Time, Time for Love
- By Barbara Bergen If a loved one has departed And left an empty space, Seek the inner stillness, Set a slower pace. Take time to remember, Allow yourself to cry, Acknowledge your emotions, Let sadness pass on by. Then center in the oneness, Remember . . . God is here, Death is but a change in form, Your loved one is still near. Treat yourself with kindness, Allow yourself to feel, God will do the mending, And time will help you heal. Dear Friends - written by Eloise Cole
Dear Friends, If you were to ask me to measure the love I have for any member of my family, I would be hard pressed to answer. Surely my love is higher than mountain tops And deeper than the oceans And broader than all the deserts in the world. So too is my love for the one who has died. How can I be asked to pack away mementos and memories and not speak his name? He is and always will be a part of me. No one can crate the depths of the ocean, The breadth of the deserts, Nor can my love be boxed and carried away. Dear friends, Please do not set limits on my grief. Neither my love Nor the depths of my sorrow can be measured. I am unable to heal on a timetable set by another. Weeks and months have no meaningwhen set against the measure of my love.Walk with me please, this difficult road of recovery, I promise you I will heal, When I have grieved enough for me. FALLING APART By: Eloise Cole I seem to be falling apart. My attention span can be measured in seconds, My patience in minutes, I cry at the drop of a hat I forget things constantly The morning toast burns daily. I forget to sign checks; half of everything in the house is misplaced. Feelings of anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions. Rainy days seem extra dreary Sunny days seem an outrage, Other people's pain and frustrations seem insignificant. Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world. It has become routine to feel half crazy. “I am normal,” I am told. “I am a newly grieving person.” Please Be Gentle An After Loss Creed by Jill Engler Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one, and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow. I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask, “WHY?” At times, my grief overwhelms me, and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through my tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story. I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me? SEA SCAPE
I watched the waves retreat In their wake, rainbowed foam, Broken shells, pebbles tumbled One lone feather lost by a seabird For it is here that gulls come to be lonely.. I bent to pick it up, to hold, to smooth it.. Once it was part of the proud gull. Now still itself, but what would it be? An embellishment in a scrap book, Or would it return to the sea? To be tossed without purpose For eternity? For A moment, the feather and I were one, No longer needed, forever alone. I set it down and watched it ride the next wave To the sea, tossed for a moment, carelessly. The sun caught it for a moment And I saw new colours I had not seen before.. And then it was gone forevermore… Would it be seen on another shore? Would other hands pick it up? I did not know. I turned to leave for me, it was time to go. The sun and the sea saw me leave, A grey nameless being, left to grieve. The palms rustled, a seagull cried A sand crab waited to catch the tide. So, undisturbed sea life went on And I, the stranger, I was gone. By Barbara Messenger Remember Me
It’s been a while since I left you and I know you bear a heavy heart. For years we were the best of friends and in your eyes, we’re now apart. Though it may be true my idle feet no longer tread the grounds of earth, it is you who can truly justify what the steps they took are worth. Realize now that I am only gone if you choose for me to be . . . if you hesitate to speak my name or recall each memory. If you reject the image of my face because it brings you pain, then my life, my love, my laughter will all have been in vain. I know you miss my presence from the steady tears upon your face, but these tears you cry are not for me, for I am in a better place. I am no longer suffering. I feel no pain, nor have I sorrow. I’ve gone forward to this beautiful place to spend today and every tomorrow. So laugh at our jokes, remember our time and freely speak my name. If you’ll relive our years together, then it won’t be an end that came. Embrace the things we’ve shared; revisit places we have been. Keep me alive within your heart and I will never die again. Yes, it’s true that it won’t be the same and the same . . . it will never be, but I will always be by your side if you will always remember me Unique and Devastating Loss click to read
How To Go On
So many people have asked this question. I am no pro on the subject but I found some information from a website that sounds like good advice. I hope this will help someone.
(copied from http://www.wikihow.com/Live-After-t... Coming home to an empty house is not easy. There is no one to greet you, and the chair opposite yours at the dinner table is empty. The house seems to echo from the silence and you shed a tear as you remember that you are now alone. So many years together, so many memories you two created together are all you have left. Losing a loved one changes your entire life, especially when the loved one was also your best friend. You feel completely lost and totally uncomfortable making even minor decisions. The bed feels big and you hug the pillows for comfort. But something inside you tells you that you can survive! 1 Before you move on, fulfill any request that your late partner explicitly said before passing away. This will give you a peace of mind, and will ensure that you will not have any mental obstacles in your new life. 2 Know that it will take time before you can begin to feel a sense of normal again. It will not just disappear. Be patient with yourself as you move through the process of grief. Grief is a lifelong journey and everybody experiences it differently. 3 Understand that there are stages you will go through and they are not linear. You will experience denial, anger, resentment, sadness, and eventually an acceptance. However, you may not do them in this order and you may, much like a roller coaster ride, go over these stages repeatedly over the course of your life with regard to the same loss. 4 Do not pay attention to those who try to tell you that you are not grieving properly. Grief is as individual as you are, as your partner was, and as your relationship was. Specifically you will likely deal with some who think you are healing 'too fast' and those who think you have become 'stuck in your grief.' If you have concerns in those areas, talk to a grief counselor. He or she is far better prepared to help you navigate your new life than someone who has never dealt with the death of their significant other. 5 Realize that you have choices. There is a time when you need to cry and there will come a time when you are ready to have a new life. When the tears come less often then you know it is time for your new life to begin. 6 Do not worry that you will forget your spouse. 7 Ask yourself what it was that you have always wanted to do but something you never had time to do because of family obligations. Ask yourself what it was that you have always wanted to do but something you never had time to do because of family obligations. Ask yourself what it was that you have always wanted to do but something you never had time to do because of family obligations. Now is the time to do it'! Be anything you want to be. Become an artist, a pilot, or a scuba diver. Take a ride in a hot air balloon. Most of all, strive to be happy and fulfilled. Your dreams can become a reality and help fill the void in your life. You will meet new people and realize that life can be satisfying and exciting even if you are alone. 8 Be patient because this change may not come quickly or easily. 9 Adopt a pet. Adopt a pet. If you don't have the energy to give a great amount of attention to a pet, consider a cat. They make great companions. They are clean and do not have to be walked. They give you love and affection. They give you someone to care for and care about. They will greet you when you come home, and lie on your lap while you watch TV. If you are not a cat person get a dog, or whatever pet makes you happier. Understand that the pet will not replace your love, nor is it meant to, but animals can make you smile, listen to you when you feel like talking and fill a lonely day. 10 Volunteer your time to a cause or something that you feel strongly about. Helping others can have a wonderful effect on ourselves. Volunteer your time to a cause or something that you feel strongly about. Join the library and read. Most libraries have library buses that bring books to your neighborhood. Or you can rent a DVD, or watch movies on the TV. Write letters, or become a phone companion, a group that is backed by the Police Community Service. They make daily calls to shut-ins, to make sure that they are safe. Talk to them to keep them company and they will be keeping you company as well. Posted on 07/11/13, 08:06 pm
Go Rest High on That Mountain ~ Vince Gill
How Do I Live Without You? ~ Trisha Yearwood
I Will Not Say Goodbye ~ Danny Gokey
In My Life ~ Beatles
I would Give Everything I Own ~ Bread
Lost Without Your Love ~ Bread
Only Gone From Our Sight ~ The Primitive Quartet
Smile ~ Nat King Cole
The Morning After ~ By Maureen McGovern (watch the video)
The Hurt and The Healer ~ MercyMe
To Where You Are ~ Josh Groban
You Will Never Be Forgotten ~ Jessica Andrews
You Will Never Walk Alone ~ Point of Grace
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I got this poem from the book " For Widows Only" I made bookmarks to give to other widows.
“Quilt of My Life”
by Annie Estlund from the book ~ For Widows Only It took 55 years
to design, piece and stitch the quilt of my life into an intricate “Wedding Ring” design. Then one morning, in only seconds, the quilt fell apart in my hands, leaving only frayed bits of fabric and broken threads. I now toil 'round the clock to fashion a new quilt. Working pieces both old and new into a “Lone Star” design. It won't look the same its strength is untested, but it comforts me as I carry on with the second half of my life THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
by Terry Kettering There’s an elephant in the room. It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it. Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and, “I’m fine,” and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather; we talk about work; we talk about everything else-- except the elephant in the room. There’s an elephant in the room. We all know it is there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together. It is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very big elephant. It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about the elephant in the room. Oh, please, say his name. Oh, please, say “[Ken]” again. Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. For if we talk about his death, perhaps we can talk about his life. Can I say, “[Ken]” to you and not have you look away? For if I cannot, then you are leaving me alone in a room—with an elephant. Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other. Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone" Gone where? Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me -- not in her. And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!" And that is dying... Death comes in its own time, in its own way. Death is as unique as the individual experiencing it. Anonymous SEA SCAPE
I watched the waves retreat In their wake, rainbowed foam, Broken shells, pebbles tumbled One lone feather lost by a seabird For it is here that gulls come to be lonely.. I bent to pick it up, to hold, to smooth it.. Once it was part of the proud gull. Now still itself, but what would it be? An embellishment in a scrap book, Or would it return to the sea? To be tossed without purpose For eternity? For A moment, the feather and I were one, No longer needed, forever alone. I set it down and watched it ride the next wave To the sea, tossed for a moment, carelessly. The sun caught it for a moment And I saw new colours I had not seen before.. And then it was gone forevermore… Would it be seen on another shore? Would other hands pick it up? I did not know. I turned to leave, for me, it was time to go. The sun and the sea saw me leave, A grey nameless being, left to grieve. The palms rustled, a seagull cried A sand crab waited to catch the tide. So, undisturbed sea life went on And I, the stranger, I was gone. By Barbara Messenger Don’t Tell MePlease don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your husband too. Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal, Because that is just not true. Please don’t tell me my husband is in a better place, Though it is true, I want him here with me. Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face, Beyond today I cannot see. Dont tell me it is time to move on, Because I cannot. Dont tell me to face the fact he is gone, Because denial is something I can’t stop. Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had, Because I wanted more. Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad, I’ll never be as I was before. What you can tell me is you will be here for me, That you will listen when I talk of my husband. You can share with me my precious memories, You can even cry with me for a while. And please don’t hesitate to say his name, Because it is something I long to hear everyday. Friend please realize that I can never be the same, But if you stand by me, You may like the new person I become someday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is this Normal? .......Yes!
1. Is it normal?....yes! If you are grieving and you feel it...it is normal.
2. Have you every felt this way...yes! We all have felt every single feeling and emotion at one time or a thousand and one times. 3. Is there something wrong with me...no! You are grieving..your world has been turned upside down because you lost "half of you and need to rebuild that other half." 4. Why is is taking so long? at 3 months..at 6 months..at 9, 12, 15, 24, 2 and a half years, 3 years...you name it... Because grieving has it's own timeline and is different for each and every different person. 5. Why did they die and I am still here? It was there time...it is not your time. 6. Why did God take them. God doesn't take people. People are human beings and human beings are born and they die. God allows human beings to be human beings. 7. Will I always feel this way? ...no! 8. Will I ever feel like living again...yes! It wont' be the same, but there will be joy and sunshine in your life again way down the road.. 9. Does time heal?...no...grieving over lots and lots of time heals. 10. Why are people such idiots and say all the wrong things? Because they have not lost a spouse and it is impossible to know what it feels like until it happens to you. 11. How come one moment I can laugh and the next I am a wreck and crying oceans?...because it is a roller coaster ride of feelings and emotions and if it is a human emotion...you are going to feel it. 12. Why do I "feel" like my life ended? Because half of you is now gone. Your life as you knew it crumbled and turned to ashes before your very eyes. You are at first in shock. 13. I was ready for the emotional pain, but is "physical pain" normal. I feel like I am dying....yes...it is possible to die of a broken heart...it is physically painful as well as emotionally painful. 14. Will my days always seem so dark and grey....no...color will return to your world down the road. 15. Why did everyone desert me? Every relationship changes and as everyone grieves differently and has a different timeline, it takes awhile to rebuild some of those relationships...and some are just no longer helpful to you as an individual and you eventually decide that they are no longer part of your life. 16. I hate myself...I am so angry...will I always BE this new person that I don't like?...no..you are in pain and you get a thick skin when dealing with insensitive idiots. Eventually things even out and you become the person that you wish to become...once again...way way down the road. 17. Will I be alone the rest of my life. Some day...way down the road you may or may not decide to share your life with another person. It will someday become a choice. Some people choose to start a new relationship some day and others choose not to. There are no right answers..(or one size fits all answers). 18. Should I move, sell the car, have my children move in with me, get a dog, hire a plumber, get winter tires, patch the roof, etc...etc...These are just some of the land mines that we all face. Come here with those questions as chances are others here have some great advice about just that question... 19. What if I forget them... impossible!! One day you realize that though you no longer have a physical relationship with them and the emotional relationship lessens over lots and lots of time...the spiritual relationship gets stronger and the memories remain. Even the memories that we think we have forgotten pop up at the most unusual times even years later...Thank God! 20. Can they hear me...see me...everyone has different beliefs and you have a right to your own. I personally believe that yes...they are in heaven watching over us... This was written by Diana from the Daily Strength Message board. Memories
Make a memory jar. Fill a jar with pieces of paper on which each of you write memories you have of the two of you. The memories can be small ones (I remember the first movie we saw together was ) and big (I remember how wonderful you made me feel the day you proposed). The key is to be specific. Use nice paper and a nice container. Would be nice to have if spouse develops a form of memory loss.
Misc.Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow. ~Author Unknown "Find something you would die for, then live for it" |
Through the YearsIn the first year you won't think you'll survive.
In the second year you'll barely survive. In the third year you'll wonder how you survived. In the fourth year you'll be glad you survived. in the fifth year you'll wish you hadn't survived. In the sixth year your soul will survive. In the seventh year your new self will survive. In the eighth year who you are will survive. In the ninth year you still hurt but survive. The tenth year? That starts next week, so I don't know. Statistics show I'll survive. So will you. |
God, I try to escape the pain through a myriad of activities from busyness to tears. But the reality of my healing is found in You. Amen. |