Live Life Backwards
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
I Can't Remember
Just a line to say I'm living,
that I'm not among the dead,
though I'm getting more forgetful
and mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis,
to my dentures I'm resigned,
I can manage my bifocals,
but God I miss my mind.
For sometimes I can't remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
if I must go up for something
or have I just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often,
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away,
or have I come to take some out.
And there's times when it is dark
with my nightcap on my head,
I don't know if I'm retiring
or just getting out of bed.
So, if it's my turn to write you,
there's no need for getting sore.
I may think that I've written,
and don't want to be a bore.
So remember that I love you,
and wish that you were near.
Now it's nearly mail time
so must say goodbye dear.
Here I stand beside the mail box,
with a face so very red,
instead of mailing you my letter,
I had opened it instead!
Memories ~ Click to watch the video
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left..
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Important message for Women
You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had
their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.
I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs.
It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of
cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to
mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they
took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had
stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least
three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to
give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the
flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of
the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was
being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with
a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the
world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons
are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and
me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was
lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of
bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a
wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to
laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
P.p.s. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!
How do they do that????
(Posted by momrox (My Page) on Wed, Jun 22, 11 at 16:09)
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.