More On Grief |
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64 Things I wish someone had told me . . .
- No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
- You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
- “Stop avoiding and be present”.
- “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared. You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.
- A hospital death is not always a bad death.
- A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.
- “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.
- “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”
- Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
- You will plan the funeral while in a haze. If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
- When people offer support, take them up on it.
- People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do. Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
- People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
- People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
- Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
- There is no such thing as closure.
- There is no timeline for grieving. You can’t rush it. You will grieve, in some form, forever.
- “There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.
- Guilt is a normal part of grief.
- Anger is normal part of grief.
- “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.
- Grief can make you question your faith.
- “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages. Grief is messy and confusing”.
- Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
- Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. And that isn’t always a bad thing.
- We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
- “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.
- You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
- “You should go somewhere to debrief after care giving”.
- “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.
- Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.
- “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance, if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.
- “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.
- Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
- Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
- “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
- Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
- People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve. Ignore them.
- “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.
- There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
- Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
- “It is normal to feel numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves”.
- Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).
- Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad. But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.
- The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
- “People love to judge how you are doing. Watch out for those people”.
- You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
- Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
- “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.
- There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
- Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things. They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later. Cut yourself some slack.
- Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.
- Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.
- It is okay to cry sometimes.
- It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.
- “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.
- “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not. People you never expect become your biggest supporters.
- “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.
- It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
- Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.
- You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.
- Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.
- You will never go back to being your “old self”. Grief changes you and you are never the same.
- Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died. Eventually you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever. None of these thing will diminish your love for the person you lost.
We Don't Recover From Grief, and that's okay
Grief Symptoms
Grief is a full-body experience.
There's a reason you're so tired.
There's a reason your stamina might not be what it used to be.
There is a reason your focus is off, and you find even simple things confusing.
Your mind is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.
Your body is trying to hold an impossibility within itself.
Your entire system is working really hard just so you can survive each day.
Grief lives in your body.
Here are a few of the ways grief shows up.
~ "How To Carry What Can't Be Fixed" journal for grief by Megan Devine
Grief is a full-body experience.
There's a reason you're so tired.
There's a reason your stamina might not be what it used to be.
There is a reason your focus is off, and you find even simple things confusing.
Your mind is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.
Your body is trying to hold an impossibility within itself.
Your entire system is working really hard just so you can survive each day.
Grief lives in your body.
Here are a few of the ways grief shows up.
~ "How To Carry What Can't Be Fixed" journal for grief by Megan Devine
What Is a Widow?
By Vivienne R Reich
She is a woman with half a heart.
Some say she has baggage. I say her pain was due to love.
She is a woman that now does not trust easily.
She can one day climb Mount Everest and the next day she can't get out of bed.
She has mood swings.
She has traumas.
Her anger is raw.
She is trying to learn how to fly with only one wing.
But if you give her a chance....
If you get to know her...
You will find.
An empathic friend.. because she knows real pain.
A giving heart..because she knows that love is all that matters.
A straight to the point friend. She is no longer interested in Drama.
If you give her a chance as a partner.....
You will find..
A woman that loves deeply because she knows how fast life can be taken away.
A woman that does not play games. She is to the point because there is no time to waste.
Deep inside she is fragile.
She is sensitive.
She is scarred for life and sometimes those wounds open up.
But she is fierce. She is strong. She is a survivor.
And so whether it's a friendship or a love interest give her a chance.
She might cry when you least expect it.
She might laugh at the oddest things.
She chooses very few people into her life. So consider yourself lucky to be part of hers.
And.....
She will love you like there is no tomorrow because she knows there is always that chance there may not be a tomorrow..................
By Vivienne R Reich
She is a woman with half a heart.
Some say she has baggage. I say her pain was due to love.
She is a woman that now does not trust easily.
She can one day climb Mount Everest and the next day she can't get out of bed.
She has mood swings.
She has traumas.
Her anger is raw.
She is trying to learn how to fly with only one wing.
But if you give her a chance....
If you get to know her...
You will find.
An empathic friend.. because she knows real pain.
A giving heart..because she knows that love is all that matters.
A straight to the point friend. She is no longer interested in Drama.
If you give her a chance as a partner.....
You will find..
A woman that loves deeply because she knows how fast life can be taken away.
A woman that does not play games. She is to the point because there is no time to waste.
Deep inside she is fragile.
She is sensitive.
She is scarred for life and sometimes those wounds open up.
But she is fierce. She is strong. She is a survivor.
And so whether it's a friendship or a love interest give her a chance.
She might cry when you least expect it.
She might laugh at the oddest things.
She chooses very few people into her life. So consider yourself lucky to be part of hers.
And.....
She will love you like there is no tomorrow because she knows there is always that chance there may not be a tomorrow..................
Widow
At first, I hated the word; after all, I'm too young to be a widow! But scripture reminds me that widows are very precious to God and I cannot despise what He loves. Even when it's me.
Lately, I've been pondering what it means to be a widow. How can I even describe it? It's so much.... and yet, so much nothing, at the same time.
Last night, another pastor's widow sent this to me, and although I didn't write it, I feel every word so deeply. So, if you want a peek inside the mind and heart of a widow, keep reading. Then say a prayer for every precious widow and widower in your life.
______________________________________
Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.
Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.
Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.
Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.
Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.
Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.
Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.
Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.
Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for 20 years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?
Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.
Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.
Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.
Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.
Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..is life changing.
from Alisha Bozarth at alishabozarth.com
________________________________________
At first, I hated the word; after all, I'm too young to be a widow! But scripture reminds me that widows are very precious to God and I cannot despise what He loves. Even when it's me.
Lately, I've been pondering what it means to be a widow. How can I even describe it? It's so much.... and yet, so much nothing, at the same time.
Last night, another pastor's widow sent this to me, and although I didn't write it, I feel every word so deeply. So, if you want a peek inside the mind and heart of a widow, keep reading. Then say a prayer for every precious widow and widower in your life.
______________________________________
Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation.
Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection.
Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home. Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you.
Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path.
Widowhood is second guessing everything you thought you knew about yourself. Your life had molded together with another’s and without them you have to relearn all your likes, hobbies, fears, goals. The renaissance of a new person makes you proud and heartbroken simultaneously.
Widowhood is being a stranger in your own life. The unnerving feeling of watching yourself from outside your body, going through the motions of what was your life, but being detached from all of it. You don’t recognize yourself. Your previous life feels but a vapor long gone, like a mist of a dream you begin to wonder if it happened at all.
Widowhood is the irony of knowing if that one person was here to be your support, you would have the strength to grieve that one person. The thought twists and confuses you. If only they were here to hold you and talk to you, you’d have the tenacity to tackle this unwanted life. To tackle the arduous task of moving on without them.
Widowhood is missing the one person who could truly understand what is in your heart to share. The funny joke, the embarrassing incident, the fear compelling you or the frustration tempting you. To anyone else, you would have to explain, and that is too much effort, so you keep it to yourself. And the loneliness grows inside you.
Widowhood is struggling with identity. Who are you if not their spouse? What do you want to do if not the things you planned together? What brand do you want to buy if not the one you two shared for 20 years? What is your purpose if the job of investing into your marriage is taken away? Who is my closest companion when my other half isn’t here?
Widowhood is feeling restless because you lost your home, identity, partner, lover, friend, playmate, travel companion, co-parent, security, and life. And you are drifting with an unknown destination.
Widowhood is living in a constant state of missing the most intimate relationship. No hand to hold. No body next to you. No partner to share your burden.
Widowhood is being alone in a crowd of people. Feeling sad even while you’re happy. Feeling guilty while you live. It is looking back while moving forward. It is being hungry but nothing sounding good. It is every special event turning bittersweet.
Yes. It is much more than simply missing their presence. It is becoming a new person, whether you want to or not. It is fighting every emotion mankind can feel at the very same moment and trying to function in life at the same time.
Widowhood is frailty. Widowhood is strength. Widowhood is darkness. Widowhood is rebirth.
Widowhood…..is life changing.
from Alisha Bozarth at alishabozarth.com
________________________________________
There Will Be Days
There will be days, my friend...
When you feel like you just can’t go on.
Just keep swimming.
Breathe in and breathe out and wait for the light of a new day to dawn.
There will be days, my friend...
When nothing seems to be making sense.
It’s not supposed to.
Clear your mind and open your heart, the answers will come in time.
There will be days, my friend...
When the pain rises up and engulfs you.
Be kind to yourself.
Lay low and let the tears flow like a river, release, open the floodgates, let it out.
There will be days my friend...
When it feels like the whole world is against you. When it feels like you cannot do right for doing wrong.
Just sit it out.
Tomorrow is a new day and these feelings will pass. I promise.
You see, life is all things, from one day to the next.
It is beautiful at times, wondrous, amazing and joyful - then it is awful, miserable and heart-breaking.
And the cycle goes around.
It is as it should be.
Everything is as it should be and you, you will be okay.
Have faith.
Keep hope in your heart.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Author Donna Ashworth
From the book ‘To The Women’,
https://ladiespassiton.com/
by Nicole
When you feel like you just can’t go on.
Just keep swimming.
Breathe in and breathe out and wait for the light of a new day to dawn.
There will be days, my friend...
When nothing seems to be making sense.
It’s not supposed to.
Clear your mind and open your heart, the answers will come in time.
There will be days, my friend...
When the pain rises up and engulfs you.
Be kind to yourself.
Lay low and let the tears flow like a river, release, open the floodgates, let it out.
There will be days my friend...
When it feels like the whole world is against you. When it feels like you cannot do right for doing wrong.
Just sit it out.
Tomorrow is a new day and these feelings will pass. I promise.
You see, life is all things, from one day to the next.
It is beautiful at times, wondrous, amazing and joyful - then it is awful, miserable and heart-breaking.
And the cycle goes around.
It is as it should be.
Everything is as it should be and you, you will be okay.
Have faith.
Keep hope in your heart.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Author Donna Ashworth
From the book ‘To The Women’,
https://ladiespassiton.com/
by Nicole